I had a hard life growing up and eventually you all will hear more and more about that but this is not a personal biography, this is a blog and what I write down is not about my life but whats in my mind, right? Perhaps, blogging is different to everyone. I already know my grammar is horrible by the way so that never needs mentioning in the future. I came across this blogging and never thought I would actually start one till I began to read my friends. I have so much going on in my mind as well and am reluctant to only share it with a select few. Though I feel I am being selfish and merely annoying and a burden, though they say it's okay and need another way to express myself, thus the blog.
I also have a fear of being judged so the likeliness of someone I know reading this is slim, unless there is a way that I do not know of. The only reason I was able to read my friends is because I asked if i could and she gave me the link. So some things I feel it imperative for everyone to know who reads this is that I suffer from ADD, depression, anxiety among many other things and I am also Passive suicidal. Yes, before you even ask.. I have set it in mind to go get treatment for everything but that won't start till June 1st when my medical Starts.
So things that need to be known.
1. I currently live with my family. Meaning I live in one house that has 4bedrooms and 1bathroom with six people including myself. I get my own bedroom for the most part though. Just share closet space so I am fortunate in that department. There is my nana, pop, mom, brother and lil sister with me.
2. I have been engaged twice in my life. The first time lasted about a week before I broke it off. We hadn't been dating long and it was more of him rushing things and I wasn't comfortable with it and wasn't in love with him but when people ask you to marry them it's almost like they expect an answer right than and there. Next time I may ask if I can think about it. The second time I was with the person for 5years and engaged for 1year before I broke it off. Yes, I broke off both. This time was because I was blinded by so much that was going on and though he was a good guy... nice and kind.. there were things wrong with our relationship that I didn't see clearly. I may go into more detail in the future about it.
3. I am a roleplayer/writer. Meaning like nearly a quarter of the earths population, I as well live online in a way. My characters online are lives I can live vicariously through because I need an escape from the real world sometimes.
In time you will read more and more about me.
First Entry:
So I am not sure if I have a completely healthy mind. I have a stuffed animal which was my very first one since returning back home. I lived in SC with my ex-fiance and his family for about 8months before returning back home and starting up again. I found a job relatively quickly, less than a month and am back up on my feet. However, I have an attachment to this stuffed animal. Its an owl I named Mattiorchid Keir but i call him mattie. My nana gave him to me for Easter. When I returned home, I had to go by plane so I left all my other belongings back with him to do what he wants with it. We still remain friendly so I am sure if I really wanted to, I can get it back but I have never been materialistic so I don't really care if he tosses it all.
I know it's normal for people to have stuffed animals, even when they do get older and I always have it on my bed and snuggle it and always have it in my arms when I am sleeping. When I am away though, I find that I miss being home because I miss the owl and want it to be near me but I can't very well take it to work. It's my source of comfort and I love having my owl close by. I call it my mattie and always have it near unless I am going out or going upstairs but for the most part I stay downstairs. My room is located in a furnished basement by the way. I have loads going on in my life and loads that have happened to me and could possibly literally write it all down on here but I think I will end this here. My concern though is that I think I would be very emotionally scarred if anything were to happen to my owl so I question if the attachment to this inanimate object is healthy. Probably not...
